Somewhere Over the Rainbow: The Quest for Spiritual Rank

Scott Kopek thought he was a lesbian. At least that's how it appeared. Every time we saw him stroll across campus with a few of his avant-garde lesbian friends, drooling on Harriet, we knew that he not only wanted her, but wanted to join the movement that she was a part of.

It was 1976 and I was attending a radical liberal arts college in the midwest. The sexual revolution had taken hold; AIDS was yet to come, and gay life was becoming more visible. Black Studies and Women's Studies departments sprouted up in universities, and support groups flourished as various marginalized subgroups formed their own communities.

The first time I stepped into the Gay Center was an experience I will always remember. The entire campus was abuzz with the news of the Saturday night dance at the Gay Center. I wondered why this would generate so much excitement; after all, every Saturday and Wednesday night the school held dances that were the best parties I had ever been to. "Gays give the greatest parties," I was told.

I didn't know where the Gay Center was and at the time felt quite intimidated to go near it. As I walked through the balmy night I was surprised to find all sorts of people strolling to the edge of campus, approaching a rundown wooden house that seemed to visibly vibrate from the distance.

The place was packed, the music loud, and the atmosphere warm, colorful and sexy. No one at the door checked to see if I belonged or not, no one investigated what my sexual identity might be. In fact, no one seemed to notice or care who was identified as gay, lesbian, bisexual or heterosexual. The atmosphere embraced everyone. On

this turf gay men easily danced with each other and their straight brothers, and all sorts of women moved together, blurring the borders of sexual identity.

I spotted Kim. Her elf-like glance enchanted me and I felt my heart beat faster. She was the first lesbian I had personal contact with, and I think she took it as her personal task to orient me to various altered states and experiences. I hadn't slept with a woman yet, and she enjoyed my interest and flirted with my fear. With her easy and confident way she swept me onto the dance floor. The wooden boards moved beneath my feet and the house shook in time with the music and gyrating bodies. "We are family," we all sang out with the Pointer Sisters, and we really felt it.

Scott Kopek really irritated me. What was he trying to do? Spouting feminist theory, lusting after a woman who so obviously had no interest in him. It took me many years to really understand Scott. In the meantime I connected with an old friend of mine who confessed to me one night that he too had often fantasized about being a lesbian. He felt lesbians had more intimate relationships and felt drawn to the community feeling amongst lesbian women. I understood him, particularly the feeling about community.

That community feeling made parties at the Gay Center exciting and intimate events that drew large numbers of people from outside the gay community. This was a special kind of community; one that functioned outside of mainstream morality, luring anyone who wanted more contact with parts of themselves that had been collectively constrained. The desire for freedom compelled many to join this community that had

already risked existence outside collective acceptance and had felt the fear and the ecstasy of having to stand alone.

This is the spot that community gathers around, and the eternal point where community is continually being created anew. We are drawn by the unknown, the edge to new experience; it captivates, compels and terrifies us. Those who identified as straight could go to such parties with minimal risk to their identity and could simultaneously experience the thrill of sexual freedom, flirting and dancing with their own edges.

I noticed then that marginalized groups often become the hub for community life; there is a special spark that becomes at once so appealing and also threatening to the mainstream. Over the past few decades in the United States numerous marginalized groups have become more visible, creating strong grassroots community life that has influenced social and cultural life as well as public policy. Marginalized groups have a lot of power in the communities they create and many of us in the mainstream are drawn to this power. Worldwork and community building

During the last five years Process Work has seen the development of worldwork, large scale seminars that have focused on processing social issues and large group interaction.1 Typically an international group of about 250 people from various walks of life gathers to create community out of conflict, diversity and the unpredictable states that group process constellates. The atmosphere at these events is hot and emotional. Marginalized groups conflict openly with the mainstream, and momentary resolution arises out of emotional changes in the group itself. At these seminars, individuals and groups that are typically not given a public voice are encouraged to speak out.

During these events the mainstream has witnessed the power and community spirit of those individuals and groups that have been excluded from society. Listening to these voices, I have been touched to the core by the courage, depth of emotion and celebration of the human spirit under such oppressive circumstances. I have been left shaking and in tears; I have been furious, and I have been overwhelmed by love. I have been deeply moved, and it is this movement which has taken me beyond what I know in myself and into the hearts of others. This movement generates something like a spiritual center

for the group and creates the seeds of community life.

This kind of emotional stir often brings people together and cannot be intentionally created. Community grows out of sharing new experience, emerges by staying close to the edge of what is known. Here is the pulse of group life, the mystery that moves hearts when both the individual and the group experience themselves outside of what they know. It is often those of us who have been marginalized that lead the group or the world with the depth of experience and personal power that develops by living in a society that doesn't embrace us. During the worldwork seminars the African Americans, Native Americans, Aboriginals, women, gays, lesbians and bisexuals, Jews, Latinos, Eastern Europeans, those from less industrialized countries, those who have known hunger and poverty and collective abuse, those who have lived under dictatorship, communism and fascism, and various others have come forward with their fury and pain, courage and compassion, breaking through our mainstream slumber.

These individuals fascinate us; they throw us off balance, knocking us out of our comfort zone. We are captivated by their experiences and awed by their power. We also feel outraged to be awakened. We can't listen; we don't want to. We want to hold onto our known worlds, the powers we know, the place where the world is safe and secure, the ground rules that we have created and expect everyone to live by. Spiritual rank and marginalized groups

No matter how we react as the mainstream and what ensues when conflict and difference is processed publicly, it becomes increasingly clear that there is tremendous power in belonging to a marginalized group. To live in a world that excludes you could be seen as a powerful invitation to develop in a truly awesome way. Don Juan Matus, the Yaqui Indian shaman chronicled in the books of his apprentice, Carlos Castaneda, explains this paradox in the lives of his people.

Indians are the losers of our time. Their downfall began with the Spaniards and now under the reign of their descendants the Indians have lost everything.... One can easily surmise that for the poor average Indian the reign of the white man has been sheer hell. And yet the irony is that for another kind of Indian it has keen sheer bliss.... The sorcerer. For the sor-

cerer the Conquest was the challenge of a lifetime. They were the only ones who were not destroyed by it but adapted to it and used it to their ultimate advantage. (1974:138-9) Through the experiences of worldwork seminars, where social issues of power and oppression are addressed, Mindell noticed that the power of the mainstream is largely unconscious (1995) .2 Those of us who are part of the mainstream in a given moment are not necessarily aware of our powers and privileges, nor do we necessarily feel them. I say in a given moment, because being part of the mainstream or of a marginalized group is a relative concept. When issues of racism emerge, everyone who is white is part of the mainstream, even if they are also women, Jewish, gay, or poor. At the moment when the gay, lesbian and bisexual community speak out, everyone who lives a heterosexual life-style is part of the mainstream. The unconscious nature of mainstream power becomes shockingly clear when a marginalized group expresses itself and the mainstream suddenly looks weak. The power of social rank crumbles as the mainstream seems unable to match the emotional, psychological and spiritual strength of the marginalized group or individual. Mindell has recently explained these group and social dynamics in terms of a ranking system that describes the various kinds of powers which create the sense of status and value in our society and relationships (1995, Chapter 3).3 The most obvious rank is connected to social status. If one is male, white, and heterosexual, one has a lot of social rank. This status is a result of social convention and is therefore not earned by the individual. More difficult to perceive and understand is the subtle rank that is based on spiritual, psychological or emotional power. This kind of rank is developed by the individual, earned by hard work, life experience and personal growth. Don Juan says that these personal powers are untouchable and cannot be stolen or taken from the oppressed (Castaneda, 1974). Mainstream envy

What really drew Scott Kopek to the lesbian community? I think he was jealous. It wasn't that he really wanted to be a lesbian, but he wanted the inner powers and spiritual rank represented by an oppressed group. Those who possess this spiritual or psychological rank are often the natural leaders of a group. They are teachers, not only about diversity and prejudice, but about the

human spirit. They model courage, show a wide range of emotional depth, speak truths and at times demonstrate unbelievable compassion and generosity towards mainstream ignorance.

As much as the mainstream envies the spiritual rank and community feeling generated by marginalized groups, the mainstream must be careful how it deals with its jealousy. Spiritual or psychological rank is the only rank that has been available to those disavowed by society. Value and power are earned by the blood, sweat and tears of transforming incredibly oppressive circumstances. Unchecked mainstream envy can unconsciously be seen as an attempt to take everything from the marginalized individual or group. It is inadvertently another act of genocide, an attempt to steal the very soul of the individual or group.

Although this spiritual or psychological rank can never really be taken, how we in the mainstream deal with our envy is nevertheless essential. By developing our own spiritual rank, we honor oppressed individuals by taking them as teachers. If we do not take this as a chance for our own growth but compete with their power, if we use our social rank to oppress their spiritual power, or if we attempt to benefit by association, we become part of the oppressive system.

In Oregon, as in many other states, the far right has introduced legislation that discriminates against gays and lesbians. The Oregon Citizens Alliance, the organization responsible for these measures in Oregon, fears the power they see in the gay movement. They claim there is a gay political agenda they need to act against. In a way this is true. The gay, lesbian and bisexual population has a desire, or an agenda, to have the same legal protections as heterosexuals and to enjoy the same social liberties.

Considering the present outer legal and social situation, mainstream values still rule. This could make one wonder what the far right fears. It is true that in the last 25 years the gay movement has come into its own as a small political power, which is slowly influencing public opinion. However, more than this, the root of their power lies in the inner experiences and beliefs of a group of people fighting for the right to love whomever they choose. The spiritual rank that many of these "warriors" display, and their unmoving certainty in standing for love and freedom creates a power impossible to legislate against. I believe it is this core power that truly frightens the main-

stream. Such power is seen as a threat and is enviable to those who have relied solely on the power of social rank. Internalized oppression and spiritual rank

The mainstream identifies those of us who are marginalized as inferior, and too often we believe them. However, like Don Juan, some of us take this fate as a strange gift, knowing that we are faced with an incredible challenge to develop beyond both our internalized oppression and an outer society that is also hateful and oppressive. Paradoxically, these threatening and oppressive circumstances often create ripe ground for personal development. It is when we are most unbalanced and least secure, when our identities are under threat, that we must reflect and push our edges to develop. At these times we search for meaning in the incomprehensible. We grow beyond the parts of ourselves that only suffer, and are forced to expand beyond the identity that the mainstream has laid out for us. This is no easy feat. Those of us who belong to groups that have been oppressed know all too well the agonizing internalized racism, homophobia, sexism and clas-sism that we are forced to deal with. A chance for mainstream development

When the mainstream feels threatened by a marginalized group, it gets a taste of the attack that marginalized groups constantly suffer. Frequently the mainstream responds in defense and anger. However, the mainstream has also stumbled upon an opportunity for incredible development, for it is exactly these conditions which have enriched and empowered those who have been so downed. It is a challenge to our mainstream slumber to wake up and foster the kind of inner rank so often idolized or feared in oppressed groups. Jung would say this is the call to individuation. He claimed that the process of individuation began when one separated oneself from the collective, from accepted societal norms and beliefs and embarked upon a process of self-discovery outside of collective opinion (1959). Attacks from marginalized groups are often aimed at our unconscious acceptance and perpetuation of mainstream values. Such criticisms help us discover our own inner powers by pressing us to reflect on the mainstream trance that we have unwittingly supported. The personal is political: discovering world tasks

Not only surviving but flourishing under attack, using painful and oppressive circumstances

for inner development, is one of the central elements that creates spiritual or psychological rank. Without a threat to identity, there is little need for reflection. When our existence is threatened, we are faced with existential dilemmas about the meaning of our lives, and whether we really want to live or die. During these times many of us discover how our personal lives are inextricably connected to world tasks and basic universal longings. We become more connected to some greater purpose. This awareness gives us enormous spiritual rank. When an African American stands up in a group and speaks about her daily struggles with racism, she talks not only about herself, but a universal longing for freedom. Her individual struggles are not only personal. Her personal life takes on great meaning as she stands for essential human matters. This struggle gives meaning to the expression, "the personal is political." Here, psychology and politics come together.

Individuals who derive inner powers from terrible oppression stand for essentials like freedom and love. This is what makes these people so attractive to the mainstream, drawing people like Scott Kopek to his lesbian friends. It is an ecstatic experience to stand for core issues and to feel that our lives are driven by something greater than our individual selves. This is one of the greatest benefits of the annual worldwork seminars. Not only does the large group have the chance to learn about various issues and differences and interact around them, but individuals are given a chance to develop themselves in the context of a large diverse group that mirrors the outer world. Worldwork and personal growth

We often think of our personal growth as something that happens privately, through inner focus, meditation and reflection, or therapy. However, there is a whole area of personal work that might only happen in the context of a large group or community atmosphere. Worldwork seminars have been particularly valuable in acknowledging that psychological growth takes place publicly in the turmoil and interaction of social issues.

Worldwork seminars, town meetings, and other community gatherings offer individuals a chance to speak out. The common person has little opportunity to be heard in the world. Public speakers are usually political leaders, famous people or leading social activists. Rarely do main-

stream and non-mainstream groups engage in any kind of dialogue, except political posturing. Marginalized groups often experience the mainstream as a faceless mass that determines social policy and insidiously permeates every aspect of daily life. Forums such as worldwork seminars provide a chance to meet face to face with the collective personality that haunts daily existence.

Standing for what we believe in a public setting is an incredible opportunity. Too often therapy reduces social pain to unresolved personal issues. In the confines of the therapist's office one cannot interact with real external forces. These interactions are essential to bring out parts of ourselves that otherwise don't emerge. What happiness I felt in a public forum watching a dear African American friend stand up strongly and awaken a white male to his unconscious racism. I had never before experienced her as so clear and intense. I was moved by her emotion and the power of her spirit.

I also remember another seminar when a man from Sweden burst into tears when realizing the pain he had inadvertently caused by his lack of awareness around racism. I remember a woman from Germany coming forward at a time when no one else would, healing the hearts of many as she suffered and took emotional responsibility for the acts of her family and country during the second world war. I will never forget the spirited group from Slovakia standing publicly against fascism. It was moving to watch the courage it took the group to overcome its deep-seated fears about speaking up after so many years of oppression.

Our growth happens publicly in such interactions, and we grow internally as we discover our ability to hold various viewpoints at once. Some of us develop a certain feeling of detachment after having gone through so much emotional upheaval. With this feeling we find ourselves able to support various viewpoints. As Mindell says, we become elders for the group, looking out not only for our own position but for the entire group as one body (1992:156-160; 1995: Chapter 13). Worldwork 1994: Slovakia

The worldwork seminar in Slovakia was rich in various ways. During the two weeks the group was together we focused on many issues, including racism, colonialism, dictatorship, sexism and conflicts between East and West. Every world-

work seminar has thrilled and challenged me, pushing me into new areas of personal experience. The seminar in Slovakia gave me an experience of my own learning and growth around rank and detachment. Following are my reflections on one of the last mornings of that seminar.

The atmosphere was tense as a lesbian woman came forward asking the group to focus on homophobia. We were in eastern Europe where there is no strong political gay movement; homosexuality is rarely mentioned and according to the mainstream, doesn't exist. Even in places where there is a gay movement, homophobia and gay rights are easy issues to push aside. This inflames the gay community, which often feels invisible and neglected. At this particular seminar, many people from eastern Europe and Russia had never met a gay person, and many people in the group felt other issues were more important. We finally reached consensus when a man from Slovakia implored the group to focus on an issue he knew might appear strange, but through which he had learned a lot.

A group of gays, lesbians, bisexuals and allies gathered on one side of the circle. I noticed the surprise of many group members as individuals who don't fit gay stereotypes took personal stands. Suddenly the silence erupted as passionate voices expressed emotions about years of oppression. The large group was challenged to look at its own homophobia, at how it can maintain an oppressive atmosphere through holding unconscious beliefs about homosexuality. The gay group felt these unexpressed thoughts and feelings and wanted them voiced to provide a chance for interaction. As the two sides conflicted, the polarity that had hung heavy in the group atmosphere was manifest, and the two positions continued in a heated debate.

Gradually the more overt and painful beliefs about homosexuality were expressed. "Homosexuality is not normal." "It's a phase you are going through." "It's a psychological problem." "God is against homosexuality, it's a sin." These statements were met with a variety of emotional responses. A Baptist minister came forward preaching the anti-gay sentiment his church upholds: "God created Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve." The larger group laughed and a lesbian woman furiously admonished the group for laughing at something so painful. Another minister spoke about the difficulties he had in his

so-called liberal church, where there is an atmosphere of tolerance, but not true inclusion.

I wondered where I belonged in the process that day. I was watching the scene before me; I was part of the group that holds the pot, offering focus and attention so the process can continue. This was not the first group process I had experienced on this topic. In the past, I have been the social activist. I have screamed my heart out in anger, cried in pain and been ready for battle. I have been confrontational, begged for understanding and stood for love in the midst of incredible hostility. I have burned and have welcomed the chance to express emotion and engage in direct public confrontation. These awesome experiences have left me trembling with vitality and have helped me contact parts of myself that I didn't know existed.

I noticed I was not as emotionally moved as I usually am. I wanted to do something to help the group process along. Polarities had formed, and I felt a need to interact differently with the homophobic position. Something had shifted inside me; I had burned so much with anger in the past that I noticed a more detached feeling. I felt I had something to bring to this group process, but I was not yet sure what it might be. I was waiting to be moved, for the spirit to call me forward.

A group stood together voicing homophobic thoughts that are rarely spoken. One man revealed, "I have always had this fantasy that if I could sleep with a lesbian I could change her." The other side of the room exploded, exasperated and furious. Suddenly I was propelled into action. I desperately needed to respond, although I still felt strangely detached, almost friendly. I felt something powerful inside, and I was shaking as I took the microphone. The room was suddenly quiet as I faced off with this man.

I looked at this man, whom I know, and waved to him from across the room. "Hi," I said, smiling, slowing down the pace, not reacting in the expected confrontational way. "Hi," he said, taken slightly aback. I took a long look at him.

"You are a sexy man," I said. He blushed, looking at me sheepishly. "Thank you," he replied, obviously embarrassed.

I went on, "Just as I find you sexy, I also find women incredibly sexy. Love and sexuality are not cognitive processes. We don't think about who turns us on, about the gender of the person who draws us. We can't will ourselves to be

attracted to someone. These experiences are beyond what we consciously choose. Love and sexuality are magical and mysterious, taking us into some of the deepest parts of who we are. It is an electric experience to be so powerfully drawn to someone that we must follow those feelings wherever they take us. These are some of the most intimate and beautiful experiences we can have in life, divine impulses that are meant to be nurtured and worshipped."

The room was silent, listening intently. The man across from me relaxed, nodding as if he understood something. We exchanged a warm look. Then suddenly a man next to him stepped forward and added, "But what about a penis? You need a penis for fulfillment."

I studied this man and took the microphone again. "It is a great and ancient belief that the penis is the fulfillment of all things to everyone in every way." The room exploded with laughter as this was translated into Slovakian. I noticed that I was enjoying myself, feeling very detached and free to say the unspeakable. I continued and addressed him personally.

"I think your penis is gorgeous." The group howled and the man smiled. "And so am I when I get all excited and turned on. I want to live that feeling wherever it takes me. That kind of energy has no boundaries, no morality. I feel it is the deepest and most mysterious thing in life, something that should be cherished and followed. I think it is a sin to go against it."

I sat down, shaking and excited. The group was moved, and the atmosphere changed. The polarities had relaxed and the large group decided to split into small groups where individuals could talk more personally and work intimately on issues around homosexuality.

Not only was the group moved, but I was. Something happened to me, came through me. I didn't know who I was anymore; I was enjoying myself in a struggle that I usually find excruciating. It was freeing to not only be furious, although I have also enjoyed my fury and value its expression. I am sure that I could only do my part because other sisters and brothers were carrying that emotional reaction. It was teamwork, and I was free to experience something new, something outside my normal repertoire.

Even though in this scenario I was part of an oppressed group, I felt I had incredible powers. I felt my spiritual or psychological rank and I

enjoyed using it. I welcomed the opportunity to stand for love and its holy nature and to talk publicly and personally about sexuality. In that moment, I felt untouchable. No one, no matter how antagonistic or cruel, could hurt me.

I am thankful to have had the opportunity to express myself, to grow publicly in various ways, and to speak about essential things close to my heart. That night I went to bed and dreamt I gave birth to a baby. The baby came out of me and said, "Write a book on love, sex and eternity." Conclusion

Spiritual or psychological rank is available to all of us regardless of color, class, gender, religion, age, health or sexual orientation. Paradoxically, this inner feeling of value might be more available to those of us who have been socially oppressed, because access to other external status has been limited. Mainstream jealousy reveals the need for all of us to develop our deepest nature.

The ability to grow inwardly, experiencing value through personal development, is a gift, and may even be a calling. In fact, most great religious and spiritual leaders spend years cultivating themselves, seeing their inner development as moving them close to the divine. I believe it is a spiritual undertaking to use whatever life hands us to further our own inner work. In order to do this we must truly see the meaning in all things, see that all experience holds the seeds for inner growth.

With this view, we can transform anything that comes our way. This view of life does not exclude social activism. I do not advocate for a world where injustice is passively accepted, but feel that working on oppression also means reaping the inner benefits from having to deal with such pain. Individuals who have gone this path are the perennial teachers of all time, for both the oppressed and the mainstream. Notes

1. The first worldwork seminar was held in 1990; these seminars have occurred annually since

then. The first several years they were led by Amy and Amy Mindell, based on Arny MindelPs application of Process Work to large groups. Since 1992 they have been facilitated by a group of 30 certified process workers. See Leslie Heizer's article in the Journal of Process Oriented Psychol-ogyy Vol. 5, No. 1.

2. Mindell, Arnold. Sitting in the Fire: Large group transformation using conflict and diversity. Portland, OR: Lao Tse Press, 1995. This point is a thread throughout this book.

3.1 am indebted to Arny Mindell for all of the learning around group process dynamics and rank issues between the mainstream and marginalized groups. Many of the ideas presented here are culled directly from my learning from him and the group processes that I have seen him facilitate or study.

Dawn Menken, Ph.D., is a therapist in Portland, Oregon and teaches Process Work throughout the world She is moved by the impact Worldwork has made on psychology and mainstream views and is part of the organizing team for the annual Worldwork Seminars and various town meetings. She is currendy writing about politics and culture, psychology and spirituality, and love and relationships.

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Logo for Return to Eden by Ruby Carnevale Member of The Elements

Logo for a Tour de Forth

by Sally Freedman and Mark Hamilton

Members of The Elements

Bibliography

1. References
2. Castaneda, Carlos. Tales of Power. New York: Simon and Schuster, 1974.
3. Heizer, Leslie. "The Worldwork Seminars: A Personal Learning Overview." Journal of Process-OrientedPsychology, Vol. 5 No. 1 (1993): 5-12.
4. Jung, C.G. The Collected Works of CG. Jung. The Archetypes and the Collective Unconscious, Vol. 9, Part I, Bollingen Series XX. Princeton: Princeton University Press, 1959.
5. Mindell, Arnold. The Leader as Martial Artist. San Francisco: HarperCollins, 1992.
6. Mindell, Arnold. Sitting in the Fire: Large group transformation using conflict and diversity. Portland, OR: Lao Tse Press, 1995.