Painting: the Beauty, Fun and Discoveries of Inner Work

Andrea Courvoisier

A month before writing this I started to paint again, turning my small apartment into an art studio, surprising myself with new joy. Years after abandoning painting, drawing and a career in theater and dance, I am reclaiming my identity as an artist. I am also discovering a new creative direction in thinking and writing about art and creativity and connecting these areas to Process Work. In the past, I have tended to simply do my art, diving into the altered state of another world. Now I think that exploring and reclaiming unknown territories and identities makes a person an artist. This new possibility leads me to

write about the thoughts I do not know yet, to create a new "picture" in writing. Writing seems much more foreign than lying in wait for the unknown in front of white paper with a brush in my hand.

What makes me so happy when I paint? Painting for me doesn't have to make any sense. It isn't meant for something or somebody. I find more meaning in the act of creating than in the finished picture, thus the end-product is not the goal. Above all, I find the show of colors on paper beautiful and exiting. After a day of goal-oriented duties and demands, painting comes as a relief and challenge. Beyond time and purpose I reclaim a sense of freedom and a spirit of discovery that I lose in the devouring concerns of everyday life.

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Art makes me happy, and I also ask myself, "Why else do I do artwork? What am I looking for?" Let's look at what I do when I paint. I stand in front of blank paper and wait. My body might ache somewhere, or I feel moody until I make a face that goes with my mood; this face feels attracted to a certain color and moves the brush in my hand. At other times, a spontaneous vision of figures, lines or move-

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ments leads my brushwork. All of a sudden my everyday identity shares its monopoly with body feelings and movements, visions and moods which I usually don't notice or I fight against when they disturb my intentions. This is so exciting! The mysterious creativity in these spontaneous experiences leads me to fill the paper with yet another mysterious world.

I am actually being "created" all the time. What an insight after a day of assuming that I alone create my life! Beyond my will and intention, movements, body feelings and visions evolve spontaneously in me. By paying attention to them I become more creative, feel connected to the ongoing creation of life. Painting teaches me to follow what happens spontaneously in me. Within following I find what I am looking for, a sense of connection with the mysterious, with the goddess or god or whatever I choose to call it. I see

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the mysterious develop on the paper, "talking" back to me. Wasn't the paper all white and empty just a minute ago? Now something is born on it, showing me how I am born and created in every moment as well.

I wish I could feel the same excitement about the creativity of body symptoms, relationship problems or weird moods when they appear and mess up my life. I imagine that my body symptoms and I would co-create a mysterious canvas, an adventurous day. I would focus on and explore a symptom as if it were a piece of art; see it, move it, hear it or feel it and imagine being its creator. I would use its creativity and

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message to organize my day or meet people in new ways.

Often I cannot focus on these disturbances. I feel helpless and wish they would disappear, feel that they create my suffering and I am their victim. The idea of becoming a creator does not lie within my imagination. I just suffer and want to feel better. At these points, deciding to paint already commits me to becoming a creator, the creator of a picture. Instead of being disturbed and "created" by my symptoms without the input of my awareness, I feel empowered to invite disturbances and treat them with curiosity and colors.

Now I have created a "picture" in writing by discovering the thoughts I didn't know before. It inspires me to create additional new pictures by working with my body symptoms, and using my art skills and experiences in other areas of my life.

Andrea Courvoisier, originally Swiss, is a Process Work student in Portland and is currently completing her BA. in psychology. Andrea has worked in business administration and studied theater, performance, voice, dance and expressive painting. She is interested in combining expressive arts and Process Work Andrea dreams of capturing her passion for weird movements and faces on camera.

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