Einstein, Sleeplessness and Girls

In this article I write about an experience with creativity which arose spontaneously in December of 1994. My creativity appears at some of the most unexpected and often inconvenient times. Just when I think I am the organizer of my life, when I am set on doing other things, a creative urge springs forth and guides me down unknown pathways. I'm always surprised at the richness of this unexpected meandering!

I know something creative is trying to happen when I climb into bed at midnight and at 3 a.m. I am still waiting for precious slumber to overcome me. I wait expectantly for the moment when I can drift off into a world where my body recuperates and my fantasies soar. After a few restless hours, I wonder if I should perform the Herculean task: get out of bed and do something interesting. But, I'm sure if I wait just a little bit longer...

Night-time hours have always been both magical and frightening to me. They are a time of dreaming, a foggy place where worlds collide and I am unsure what is "real" and what is "fantasy." During these hours, ghosts and spirits, colors and all sorts of horror stories and adventure epics pour forth.

The last time I couldn't sleep and was able to pry myself out of bed, I spent three full nights reading and writing about revolution as my blurry eyes watched the sky turn from bluish-black to whitish-blue. This is not something I ever thought I would do. Energy and sleep are mysteries which I am only beginning to understand.

Last night I took a short break from my work. I had been planning my classes for next semester. I put my computer aside and got up to stretch. While walking over to our bookshelf, I glanced briefly at a copy of Ronald Clark's book, Einstein: The Life and Times (1994), which sat innocently on a shelf. I thought Amy must have planned to study it as part of his current immersion in physics. Why hadn't I noticed the book before? When I read the Einstein's name a strange "pang" went through me. I returned to my computer.

A few minutes later, I caught myself glancing up again at that book. Immediately and intentionally I looked back down at my computer. "Go away! I am doing my work!" I thought. But something like Newton's gravitational force began to work on me and I could not keep myself away from the bookshelf. I wondered how I could even consider following this absurd impulse. I was in the middle of something else! Where could this possibly go? Why in the world would I want to enter the baffling field of quantum physics, relativity or Einstein's thoughts on the nature and work of god? A hundred pages and a few hours later, I was spellbound.

I've always had trouble with the sciences. I was a good student of mathematics but any time I got near scientific thinking or the discussion of physical matter, I gave up, assuring myself that this was someone else's natural domain. I felt I was going down a one way street in the wrong direction. To me, electricity was what happened when you turned on a light switch. That's all! I decided to leave science to others "made" for that kind of study. I pursued dance, psychology and theater.

Now, lying in bed at three in the morning, I half consciously turned over as I simultaneously turned over the facts and discoveries of Einstein's life! I couldn't get rid of these thoughts. Creativity bursts forth in the oddest moments. It has no respect for plans, ideas, sleep or consensus reality. My half drowsy mind held on to what I had read, pondered the laws of physics, and saw Einstein's face wherever I turned. What was Albert doing in our bed? (By the way, a couple of nights later Arny dreamt about Einstein!)

I finally moved my weary limbs, got up and continued reading. I loved reading about Einstein's life, character and discoveries. He had a beginner's mind which always asked the simplest questions, questions often overlooked or taken for granted by others. He did not fall into the trap of hypnotically following the accepted scientific and educational beliefs of his time. He loved playing the violin, fascinated by the mathematical structure of music. This tickled me because I had just begun to learn the violin. He had a brilliant understanding of higher mathematics and a deep interest in Kant's philosophy by the age of 13, yet apparently could not talk fluently until he was nine. Most people thought that because of his intellectual hindrances and his tendency to rebel against any dogma or authority, he would never amount to much. After his studies at the ETH (technical institute) in Zurich, his friends were all given assistant professorship jobs, and he was not.

Einstein viewed his childhood learning difficulties as advantages. He said that while most children ponder space and time at a young age and give up this speculation when they get older, his delayed learning ability made it possible for him to ponder space and time in much greater depth.

Einstein said that he was not all that interested in everyday human relationships, but that his interest in physics was his lifelong drive and preoccupation. The search for understanding of the physical world consumed him and superseded everything else he did. His beginner's mind and ability to question what was "known" in physics were keys to his fundamental discoveries. His theories finally swept the world.

I was entranced by what I read. Names and properties that I had studied during my basic Process Work exams—Newton, Maxwell, Heidegger...field, wave and particle theories—turned up like old and distant friends. But I was sure I could never, ever understand the basic properties of matter, the complex theories and equations, the qualities of light, atoms, and electromagnetic fields! I planned to skim the more theoretical sections of the book, yet found myself reading every word.

I have always thought creativity belonged to art, painting, music, dance—and that is true—but I had forgotten my early lust for learning, reading,

gobbling things up and thinking them through. I was supported in my intellectual achievements in school, yet I always had this creeping feeling that a "girl" was not supposed to do such things.

I had to take "home economics," to study cooking and sewing, when I, like many girls, would have preferred "shop," learning to work with wood and metal. I wanted to learn carpentry but heard that was not for me. So, off I went to home economics classes. I never had the patience to follow exact patterns for clothes, though I made many for myself. As long as it worked, I didn't care about the details. I loved cooking and still do, but I hated cleaning up. My home economics teacher didn't like me and even criticized the way I filled out a check! How could I be a woman and also fail at home economics?

The early morning hours passed. I was stuck. Where was this all going? I was tired of reading. When unable to solve a problem, Einstein played the violin or sailed on the lakes of Switzerland. In this relaxed state, he came up with solutions and ideas he could not get to otherwise. I loved imagining him out on the lake I often passed during the years I lived in Zurich.

The next afternoon I took a nap and dreamed about a couple getting back together after a long absence. One person was very feeling, the other very thinking-oriented, intellectual. In my psyche, these two are uniting and I am trying to follow them. I had forgotten that creativity has many faces, and that intellectual attraction is as valid as any other. The evening I spent reading about Einstein gave me the gift of returning to my thinking nature and interest in the physical world.

I have since been reading about well drilling, water purification systems, road building and ceramics. From all of this I realize that remaining in any one identity or program can be devastating. Einstein taught me that following the tiny flickers of imagination, passion or interest can be the beginning of new ideas, creativity, recipes, splendid theories about the world, or simply learning why the light goes on when I turn the switch! Reference Clark, R. Einstein: The Life and Times. New York:

Avon, 1994.

Amy Mindell, Ph.D., is a certified process worker. She teaches Process Work in Portland and around the world. She is currently studying aspects of science and technology, and loves to play music and cook.